Thank goodness for the Internet’s latest slew of articles on fashion, which are titled some variation of X Fashion Trends Men Hate. Talk about useful information! Skinny jeans may be the most commonly worn type of jeans amongst young women, but evidently, “men want to leave something to the imagination” and skinny jeans put “your entire body” on display. Gosh, I had no idea that my skinny jeans made me appear naked! What a blessing to have the man’s perspective spelled out for me, so that I can finally start dressing for the male gaze.
I’ve since burned all of my leggings, oversized sweaters, wedges, and red lipsticks in a ceremonial bonfire. Now I’d like to return the favor to men by offering my list of Ten Men’s Fashion Trends That Women Hate:
1. Anything Camo
Listen, like all women, I like my men completely unafraid of danger, so I can totally appreciate a man who can handle a gun. But out of the world’s diverse selection of brown and green splotches, camo is the absolute ugliest combination of brown and green splotches. If you’re going to wear camo, wear it in the woods while you’re out killing bears and wrestling with alligators. Casual camo reminds me of that time Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face. Horrifying.
2. Luxury Crewneck Sweaters
You paid $165 for a sweatshirt? So bourgeois. And bourgeois is so passé. And real fashion inherently hates passé. Pass up the crewneck, boys.
3. High-Designer Athletic Gear
You should be going to the gym, that much should be ob-vee-ous. No woman wants a man who isn’t buff. But wearing this athletic stuff–varsity jackets, sweatpants–outside of the gym means either that you’re trying to relive your glory days as the star jock in high school or attempting to copy Miley Cyrus’ look in her music video for ’23.’ Either way, trying way too hard.
4. Black and White
I think I’ll let these photos speak for themselves.
Red kitsch, blue kitsch, bright kitsch, dull kitsch. If the color is too bold, it’s too intimidating. If the color is too soft, it’s too feminine. Do gender roles mean anything anymore? I guess what I’m saying is, avoid wearing Candyland on your body at all costs.
6. Polka Dots, Plaid, Patterns Beginning with ‘P’
You know what else begins with ‘P’? Penis. Yeah, you wish you could work that Freudian trickery on me.
Well, look at that! A one-way ticket to the friend zone. Don’t worry, you’ll always have My Little Pony fan fiction to keep you company.
8. Outerwear with Textures-Denim, Leather, etc.
What, do you think you’re some sort of rebel without a cause? The reign of the leather jacket is the 1950s, and jean jackets need to stay in the 1980s (as does literally anything else from the 1980s). Marcel Proust once wrote, “Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were.” This can be roughly translated to, “Don’t dress up in jean or leather jackets, ya nincompoop. Don’t wear jackets at all. You’re a man. Be tough. You can handle the cold.”
9. Skinny Jeans
Gentlemen, you said that women’s skinny jeans leave nothing to the imagination. Did you know it works both ways? Please, spare me from seeing your Battle of the Bulge.
10. Baggy Pants/Cargo Pants/Pants
Yeah, I know I just said skinny jeans were out of the question, but hear me out. 1. Baggy pants are awful. Justin Bieber wears them, and he’s the sort of dude who eggs his neighbors and lets his friends take the fall for his cocaine possession. 2. And cargo pants? Well, if you’re a nine-year-old boy who’s running away from home and you need to fill your pockets with provisions like granola and Snickers, go right ahead. Otherwise you should be imposing an embargo on that cargo. In fact, you should probably avoid pants altogether, just to be safe.
What does this leave you with? Bow ties and man buns, but only if you have the face and body to pull them off. And so far only Jared Leto has that privilege.
So ultimately what I’m saying is, figure out how to look exactly like Jared Leto. How? It’s not my problem. Maybe you should have thought about that before you were born with the y in your sex chromosome.