a few thoughts on blindness

I had an eye infection this week, and from Wednesday to Friday I couldn’t open my eyes in light. I couldn’t look at screens. Even closing my eyes hurt, because my eyelids would irritate my eyes. All I could do for three days was sit in darkness, or else my eyes would start burning.

  1. I will never, ever take for granted my eyesight, poor as it is, again. I was paralyzed without it.
  2. I like being alone. But my God, there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.
  3. If I’m unproductive, I become unhappy. I find joy and fulfillment in creating things (in my case, writing and reporting). And for three days, unable to do that, I was miserable.
  4. Most circumstances are out of my control. My need for control has become obsessive. I make to-do lists, outlining my days down to the hour and minute. Being in control helps me when I become overwhelmed or anxious. But last week, any illusion of control slipped away, and I was at the mercy of a virus. There’s so much out of my reach — Illness. Time. Other people. I’m afraid that I’ve pushed people away because they haven’t conformed to my expectations. That makes me deeply sad.

Anyway. All I can do now is keep my head down and work, catching up on all of those hours I missed this week. Until next time.


photo by Justin Stewart


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